Reverend Loveshade
This article uses "e" for "he" or "she," "es" for "his" or "her," "em" for "him" or "her," "emself" for "himself" or "herself" as is the practice of Rosenteeth Commune. . Reverend Loveshade gave blanket permission to be libeled or slandered: "I hereby give blanket permission for anyone anywhere and anywhen to libel or slander the name of Reverend Loveshade. This does not apply to any other reverend or any other Loveshade, to any legal or other name, or to any friend, family member or associate of Reverend Loveshade. This shall apply even if the world doesn't end today. . Reverend Loveshade (Yoruba: alufa ojiji ti ife; born 13 June 1975) aka Bruce Loveshade (incorrectly Rev. Loveshade) is a Discordian theologian, writer, poet, political revolutionary, actor, dancer, painter, sculptor, architect, musician, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, mammalogist, coprophagist, spankologist, polyamorist, and inventor of the Oreo cookie . "E" (Loveshade prefers gender-neutral pronouns) is widely considered to be one of the greatest Discordians of all time and perhaps the most diversely talented person ever to have lived. Es genius, perhaps more than that of any other figure, epitomizes the 21st Century Renaissance personist ideal. Loveshade has often been described as the archetype of the Renaissance Man, a man of "unquenchable curiosity" and "feverishly inventive imagination". According to Discordian historian Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, the scope and depth of es interests are without precedent and "his mind and personality seem to us superhuman, the man himself mysterious and remote". Malaclypse the Younger states that while there is much speculation about Loveshade, es vision of the world is essentially logical rather than mysterious; however, the empirical methods e employs are unique enough "they would mystify God." Early years Bruce was born out of wedlock to an African American sergeant, Barnaby "Barney" Loveshade, and a Caucasian underage peasant woman, Bonnie, in American in the state of California. While his mother was on the toilet. Because Bonnie was still a junior high school student and Barney was stationed at Fort Fnord, Bruce was raised by es Texas grandparents. These were es grandfather Grandbob, a dentist, and es grandmother Minnie, a 1928 Porter touring car. . Bruce self potty trained at the age of five months, and at 5 years and 37 days had mastered the Yeti art of excremeditation . Bruce excelled in elementary school, earning A's in reading, writing, arithmetic and toiletology. E was an avid collector, and within a year had a dresser drawer collection of 23 pairs of girls' panties, five of them with the girl still attached. Bruce wrote es first academic paper in fifth grade which was entitled, "odomobirin 'awọn ṣokoto penpe olfato ti o dara" (English translation: "Girls' panties smell good"). This won the state Academia Elementaria Award, and for es prize e was given a 1928 Porter touring car. This did not make es grandfather happy. Pornographic film career At a relatively young age, Reverend Loveshade ran away from es grandparents in America to visit England. Running low on funds and inspired by es childhood hero Pee-wee Herman, e decided to make extra money acting in porn films under the name "Kinko the Clown" . Because of government crackdowns on pornography in the 1990s, e attempted to become an ordained minister of the Church of the SubGenius. . E planned to claim the films were produced for "spiritual enlightment and religious instruction." . E was highly disappointed when e became the first applicant to the church to have es payment turned down. Officials said, "Your money's no good here. The is the Church of the SubGenius, not the Church of the SuperGenius." Even though e demonstrated that e had mastered the art of excremeditation on Rev. Ivan Stang's front lawn, the church still would not accept em. This began a continuing conflict between the church and Loveshade. So instead e became ordained by the Janustown Church of England and made "spiritual films" through them. E was extremely successful, making movies in both the United States and United Kingdom. E was ranked by Adult Video News at number one in their "The 50 Top Porn Stars of All Time" list. Es best known pornographic films are Schoolgirl Spank with Mary Katherine Gallagher; Loveshade Meats Lords with Traci Lords; and Lonestar Loveshade with the entire state of Texas. Reverend Loveshade is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Appearances in Adult Films"; es entry on the Internet Adult Film Database lists more than 2,000 films in which he has performed, and an additional 537 films in which e used the toilet. According to industry insiders, "the kinkier sex acts some actresses will not perform are bestiality, coprophagia, necrophilia, pedophilia, and sex with Reverend Loveshade." When asked why the actresses wouldn't perform with Loveshade, they bowed to the ground and said, "We're not worthy; we're not worthy." Political activism: Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild Main article Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild E retired from the porn industry after making films for an entire six months. Upon retirement in 1994, Loveshade had gathered a dedicated following, particularly in Australia. E left the American and British porn movie industry and moved to Australia where e began a political career among the Aborigines. E made speeches in public parks, city council meetings and grammar schools. E used personal magnetism and an understanding of crowd psychology to advantage while engaged in public speaking. Historians have noted the hypnotic effect of es rhetoric on large audiences, and of es eyes in small groups. The historian Lolita Kuminmykunny , a former Aboriginal member of Shamlicht Kids Club, describes the reaction to a speech by Loveshade: :We erupted into a frenzy of Discordian pride that bordered on hysteria. For minutes on end, we shouted at the top of our lungs, with tears streaming down our faces: Reverend Loveshade, Reverend Loveshade, Reverend Loveshade! From that moment on, I belonged to Revy Love body and soul. While in Australia, Loveshade invented a device e called an erotopsychotic meter or "E-meter." This was called "a religious artifact used to measure the state of electrical characteristics of the 'erotic field' surrounding the body." Investigators suspected it was actually used to determine loyalty to Loveshade. Those who "passed" an E-meter test were initiated into the religiously-based poliitcal party known as the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild (D & D of the ECG). By the late 1990s, the Aborigines were deep in a recession, with unemployment increased by 55%. This made Loveshade's task easier. Loveshade and es band of followers moved to the United States and created the enclave city of Janustown in Janus County, Texas. This was near Waco, Texas, and reportedly modeled after David Koresh's group Branch Davidians.. However, some SubGenii claim it was actually "a cheap rip-off" of Dobbstown, Malaysia, which The Rev. had failed to invade. , On September 11, 2001, Loveshade led an American-based revolt against the United Kingdom which controlled Australia. The coup was not successful. Unfortunately for the group, four of the five planes the group intended to use to travel from the United States to the United Kingdom were hijacked by the Islamic anti-Loveshadean terrorist group al-Qaeda. The fifth plane, containing Reverend Loveshade, landed in England at Mountcow . Taking the sign literally, Loveshade attempted to follow its directions. Finding this too difficult, e tried es luck at a pet cemetery. There, Loveshade was arrested on suspicion of sexual assault on a dead puppy. Classical musician Odgen Edsl of the Academy of St Bernard in the Fields described the event in the song "Dead Puppies" from the triple-Grammy Award winning album Mower of the Ogden Edsl Edsl sang of dead puppies, "they don't come--when you call...dead puppies aren't much fun." Planet X to Planet Eris The failed cow and canine coup resulted in Loveshade's imprisonment. In 2005, Loveshade learned the SubGenius Planet X had just been discovered by astronomers. . The Church of the SubGenius started a campaign to have it named "Bob". At the same time, Erisian Prince Mu-Chao began a campaign to have it named Planet Eris. This campaign was taken over by Loveshade while still in prison and by remaining members of es Ek-sen-trik Discordians. Not only was the heavenly body named Eris, the campaign got the Disney Planet Pluto demoted to a dwarf planet. .This began a continuing conflict between Disney and Loveshade who was given a lifetime ban from appearing in a Disney film. Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht Main article Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht During es time in prison, Loveshade wrote his memoir, Mein Kuminkaninekidkorpsekunt aka Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht (English: Dead Puppy Sex) . This described es obsession with first a 15-year-old late golden retriever named Malch, and later with a deceased 12-year-old English sheepdog named Minnie Rae. Thus began es career as a writer and poet. After es release from prison in 2009, e underwent temporary gender reassignment surgery and took on a new identity as Sheered Völva. Under this name e edited an issue of Intermittens Magazine. It was a theme issue that focused on sesso con i cuccioli morti. It was widely praised in literary circles, until critics finally realized sesso con i cuccioli morti was Italian for "dead puppy sex." Then it was universally praised. Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht was released in 2012, then withdrawn by its publisher five days later due to charges of obscenity. This occurred when authorities learned the title was Discordian for "Dead Puppy Sex." Because copies had been pirated and distributed, it went on to spend 23 months on the New York Times Bestseller List. Despite it being a non-fiction book, it was permanently listed as number one in "Great American Novels of the 21st Century." Hippies in the 21st Century In 2011, Reverend "Bruce" Loveshade formed Rosenteeth Commune with others near Wotton-under-Edge in the Stroud District of Gloucestershire, England . This was a combined religion and commune centered on the ideals of polyamory and omnisexuality and the adoption and adoration of Reverend Loveshade as the one and only mostly true God or the One True Odd. The group started with 537 member residents including Reverend Loveshade's closest group, The Twelve Disciples. This was a musical super group featuring Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn Spears, Brooke Shields, Miley Ray Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, Hillary Duff, Drew Barrymore, Anne Hathaway, Katy Perry, the Olsen Twins, Lassie, and a 1928 Porter touring car. In an announcement that stunned the world, world leaders of Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, Chinese traditional religion, Sikhism, Juche, Spiritism, Bahá'í, Jainism, Shinto, Zoroastrianism, Cao Dai, Tenrikyo, Neo-Paganism, Unitarian Universalism, Rastafarianism, Ethical Culture, Church of the SubGenius, and Discordianism. In that order. Today, Reverend Loveshade began a 537-day countdown. At the end of which, all of es followers will be caught up into a sky and transported to planet Eris where they will participate in the Great Rapture, otherwise known as the Second Big Bang or the Great Orgy. I Am Reverend Loveshade An alien virus from Sirius infected Earth in 1994, the same year the Steve Jackson Games version of Principia Discordia was released. It causes victims to see Reverend Loveshade behind everything. Some of the people accused of being Revy Love include Brenton Clutterbuck, Leonardo da Vinci, Pope Hilde, Greg Hill, Fargo the Homeless, Dr. Howland Owll, Dr. Howl, Alden Loveshade, Alan Moore, Richard Nixon, Lee Harvey Oswald, S. John Ross, Johnny Shellburn, Gypsie Skripto, Miley Spears, Kerry Thornley, Doctor Who, Robert Anton Wilson, and Sheered Völva. The only defense against the accusation is to click your heels together three times and say, "I Am Reverend Loveshade." Repeat until the accusations stop. For a complete list of people accused of being Reverend Loveshade, search the Internet for every name containing one or more of the following: a, e, I, o, u, y. Also known as Reverend Loveshade is known by many different names throughout the world. These include Reverend Loveshade; Rev. Loveshade; Revy Love; The Rev; His ArseWholleyness, The Great Asshat Himself, None Orthandox Neo-Centric Erisian Partisan Existential Artistic Dualistic Osama himself ; Eldwin Nightowl (mistakenly); Rasputin; Rafael; Martin Luther; Mozart; William Shakespeare (known in America as "Billy Wigglestick"), Kinko the Clown", and Leonardo da Vinci Honors (sourced) Reverend Loveshade was named Time magazine's Person of the Year in both 2006 and 2011 . He was listed first in Business 2.0's list of "50 people who matter now," and was among ABC News 2004 list of "People of the Year." "The Rev" was honored with Steve Jackson by the Order of the Pineapple in 2008 . E is also a member of the Order of the Cloved Lemon and the Order of Shamlicht Funeral plans Reverend Loveshade requested that es body be cremated, but only after es death. The ashes should then be transported by a 1928 Porter touring car and taken to NASA's Kennedy Space Center in Florida. They should be taken by spaceship to the International Space Station. There they should be flushed down the toilet. See also *Rosenteeth Commune External links *Reverend Loveshade on Uncyclopedia *Reverend Loveshade on Seti23 Wiki *Reverend Loveshade on Reverend Loveshade *Official I Am Reverend Loveshade Campaign Headquarters References Category:Order of the Pineapple Category:Persons whose corporeal existence is entirely unclear Category:People with confirmed corporal existence Category:Pope Category:Order of Shamlicht Category:Heavenly Bodies Category:I Am Reverend Loveshade Campaign